


And I am Leaving As Soon as I Came

by Torchiclove



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 21:30:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15649302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Torchiclove/pseuds/Torchiclove
Summary: Cause you look good tonight, girlfriendCan I sleep in your bed?And when I crawl out in the morningCan I stay inside your head?Keg leaves, even though maybe she doesn't want to.





	And I am Leaving As Soon as I Came

Keg wakes in the late morning with a pair of lithe, muscled arms wrapped around her, snuggled cozily into Beau’s warm body. She feels something akin to panic building in her chest as she lays, paralyzed by indecision. 

_You can sneak out in the morning, it won’t be weird_.

She swallows heavily and shifts, slowly trying to extract herself from Beau’s arms. It’s a painstakingly slow process, which makes it all the much harder, because Keg doesn’t want to go.

Part of her wants to stay until Beau wakes up, to _stay_ , to have a night like this repeat over and over again outside of Shady Creek, away from the baggage and the fighting and the death. But she looks back at Beau’s sleeping face, the most peaceful she’s ever seen her, and she tries to think of the words to express it, and she _can’t_.

With that, Beau groans and rolls over, and Keg is free to go. Her armor and clothes are sitting in a messy pile a few feet from the bed, evidence of being quickly discarded. Beau’s sash is draped over one of the pieces of heavy plate, bright blue against the dull, rusted grey. She gets up half-heartedly, immediately missing the warmth of Beau’s body as the cold Wildemount chill hits her clammy skin. She quickly pulls on her smallclothes but pauses with the armor, sitting down with a sigh.

She can’t just leave without saying anything, without _something_. Keg is terrible at goodbyes, terrible at feelings, and she knows deep down that this isn’t for her. Beau, the Mighty Nein, they’re good—great, even—but they’re _them_ , and Keg is not. She needs to find her own way. They’ll always be friends, she hopes, if they ever cross paths again.

She looks at Beau one more time, curled tighter into the blanket now, her face half-buried in the pillows, and feels a flutter in her chest. _Gods_ , she’s gorgeous, and she’s real and _right there_ and Keg can’t have her.

She pulls out a scrap of paper and her cracked glasses, unsure of how to start, of what the say, just knowing she has to say _something_. She stares at her face and thinks about what she wants her to hear.

‘Your eyes are beautiful when you smile,’ she starts. It takes a while, and she knows she’s butchering the spelling but this isn’t her _thing_ , writing and reading and…smart stuff. This is excruciating, trying to explain the emotions bubbling in her chest, what she wants to express. Beau shifts restlessly again, soft noises escaping her lips. Keg, determined, begins again.

‘I lov-’ is as far as she gets before she loses her nerve. It’s fucking _pointless_ , all of this, the stupid note. Beau won’t care, never in any universe would she care, and this is just gonna make it weird. Keg angrily scratches out everything she’s written, messy black circles over crooked letters.

‘Thanks. -Keg’

That’s it. That’s all she needs. Keg folds the paper and sets it down, donning the heavy plate with as much speed and stealth as she can. She needs to get out of her before she loses her nerve again, before she sticks around and says something she’ll regret. She makes it to the door and grins, but the cockiness gets the better of her as her shoulder catches the wood with a loud clang.

Keg holds her breath as Beau shifts, and her stomach fills with dread as she sees one blue eyes crack open. “Shhh,” she hisses quickly, and watches a lazy smile curl across Beau’s features.

_Gods, she’s gorgeous._

Keg slams the door before she can open her mouth. She stands with her back to it for a moment, feeling all those things she can’t say. She can just see the edge of Caleb’s weird hut, and past that, the way out. She allows herself a moment, just a second, to consider the possibility of staying.

She thinks about Beau, her sharp, beautiful smile, the taste of her lips, the surprisingly gentle touch of her hands. It’s more than that, though—it’s the way her voice sounds when she’s being genuine, the flash of understanding in her eyes when Keg speaks, that nagging, persistent thought that _maybe_ someone genuinely enjoys her company.

That train of thought is a good way to get nowhere fast, so Keg breaks it off right there, but the hollow sadness stays in her chest. And once again, before she goes, she’s caught in indecision.

Nott deserves a goodbye too. 

With a sigh, Keg pulls out another piece of paper. This one comes slightly easier. Maybe it’s the lack of all the…mushy stuff. It’s still hard, but she knows how she feels about Nott—a good friend, the first since, well…the first in a long time. Friends are hard to come by in Shady Creek, and even harder to keep.

Keg chuckles at that; she’s not exactly keeping them. She thinks, vaguely, that she might cross paths with the Mighty Nein again someday, but she can’t begin to imagine what that would look like. She signs the note and tucks it carefully near the weird magic bubble she still doesn’t understand. 

With a heavy heart, Keg steps out the door into the crunch of the snow, crisp under her heavy boots. She spares a glance at the Sour Nest, a den of terrible memories, terrible things done by herself and others, all with one night worth of silver lining. It glows bright, though, brighter than anything else she can imagine.

She hopes Beau thinks about her, sometimes. She knows she won’t be able to stop thinking about her.

**Author's Note:**

> A hot mess of a thing I typed out between bouts of dying from stress! hoo boy. I fucking love Keg. Father by the Front Bottoms is the Kegregard song now, I don't make the rules.


End file.
